Well 12:57 but technically one in the morning. Sunday February 24th 2008. I post to many blogs for real...What three in one day? Four? Hrmm thats way to many. Oh well I guess it gives you people something to read and some mild form of entertainment in some sick sadistic manner. You sick freaks! Hahaha joking. Anyways whats the point of this?
Oh yeah my obsessive thinking. I swear its going to be my downfall. I don't know what it is but whenever I tend to start thinking my mind tends to venture off from the given path and I end up taking these long ass detours and eventually end up depressing myself for a little while. Why the hell am I even awake now? Because I can't sleep. D'uh. Anyways. Been thinking alot. And yeah I have a tendency to over think things for some odd reason. I think its because my somewhat creative nature gets a little out of hand at times? If that were the case I'd be applying that shit towards art and not pointless thoughts that aren't going to get me anywhere or what I want. But yeah for some odd reason whenever I think it starts off okay then turns into a giant downhill mega fuck-fest [[can I say that?]]. I don't know why. I think its because I've had a lot of negative things happen to me. Makes me think in the "negative zone" y'know? Maybe its just me being stupid. Either ways it odd. It bothers me sometimes as well. I think I need mental help. For real...I also notice I say "I don't know" [[make mocking voice]] alot as well. I don't know...See?!?! Its like out of my control. Anyways. I couldn't sleep. Or for the simple fact that I don't want to..? I can't really describe it. I've just been up thinking about things that have happened to me as of recently. The whole nearly giving up on art thing, the whole Kim thing [[which I'm still trying to figure that shit out. Although its been resolved somethings not adding up in my head.]] Maybe thats the problem. My mind isn't willing to accept things the way that they are but in reality they've already happened the way they are. Not going to lie I miss talking to her. We'd usually be up right now on the phone. Laughing, talking, flirting, all that good stuff. But not as of late. Partially because I don't have my cell phone, and partially because well I don't know. See there it goes again. But yeah there's something there thats hindering stuff. I think its because feelings weren't dealt with properly and remorse follows. But I'm not to sure there. I don't want this to turn into another "Kim entry" and come off as some "creepy ass dude" as I seemed to have before. :/ wonder what she's up to now? Probably asleep. Probably not knowing her. Anyways trying to stay on subject. Key word there being trying...
I was up having a chat with my friend Brenda. She's a pretty nice person. Really pretty. Vietnamese and White. She's like one of those antique dolls you'd see or maybe like a geisha girl. Yeah a geisha would be it because they're really pretty and delicate. Anyways her. Well she was in a serious huff about various things. Which is actually kinda odd because normally she's a really chilled person. I'm not at liberty or obligated to discuss what we were talking about but its got me thinking the way that I am now. Because she mentioned something about her boyfriend. And I'm really weird when it comes to relationships as of now...They seem to never go in my favor and things like that. Something along those lines you can put it. And I'm hell-bent on trying to find out why...
Whats going on that something can go from pretty good to just all around shitty and me getting the axe? And all of them have been that way. All of them. Just up and ended one day. I know nothing lasts forever but c'mon now somethings gotta give. I'll get that one of these days. Its really confusing and upsetting at the moment though...
Then there's Luz. She's...well interesting to say the least. She has this young adolescent love radiating off of her about her ex [[who she dumped then went back out with then dumped again then went back out then dumped him again for the final time.]] Its like a rather childish and immature game of cat and mouse. But now she wants him back. She was all in denial of loving him; I'd always tell her, "Ahh whatever you love that boy and you know you do. Quit denying it and be with him dammit!" but that'd never work. Well all of a sudden her true feelings come up and she's back in love with him. Odd. I mean she literally was crying when she was telling me the story [[did I mention I hate when girls cry. Makes me feel all weak and weird and shit. And want to cry with them. I don't of course but still its like damn...]] It was like real emotion coming out from her. Like some raw, pure emotion. It was love. It was amazing. I took joy in it actually [[as sadistic as that sounds]] but not in a bad way. To know that love like that was flourishing actually kinda made me change my mind about the whole, "Love is false hope" strike I have going on at the moment because I'm jealous of all those realizing it and finding it. :/ Of course me being the hermit I am was like, "Ahh don't tell him. Let it run its course. Don't be stupid because you're only messing things up." I'm a real bitch aren't I? Yeah I know. But well earlier she tells me that she was going to take my advice but having thought on it for a while told her, "Wait don't do that! You don't want to be left wondering what if do you? I mean you love him. Its obvious. It may not be to late to get him back. Go for it Luz. Hope for the best prepare for the worst." and with that I sent her on her way. Am I ultimately leading her towards heartbreak? I sure as hell hope not. Because well that'd suck for me because it means I'm doing more harm than I am help. And thats no bueno. But still just seeing that she had such emotions for that guy. It was like damn. I want that. I want a girl to actually love me like that for real. I'd say I'd enjoy that much so and I'd actually be pretty damn amazed if something like that would happen...Key word being if Of course reality had to come in and be the bitch that it always is and slap me in the face...
"It never happens like that you ass and you know it" my mind instantly shouted at me,
"Holding onto a false hope that there is a happy ending is just foolish and thats how you end up hurt like you always are. Because you're such a dumb ass for buying into stupid shit like that. Not once either. You do it pretty much all the time. ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!!!"
Thats why I shouldn't be allowed to think. It always turns into something negative somehow, someway shaper or form. Nora says its because I'm in a rush. That because I'm looking for love and that it should come naturally. Which isn't entirely true. I'm trying to let it come naturally I'm just behind it pushing it towards me. I'd call it assisting. Of course I'm met with a hand to the head and some stern talking to about "whats the rush? We're only teenagers dear." and things like that. But I mean I look at it this way. I could wake up tomorrow and be fucking dead. I could get shot, hit by a bus or the world could come to a fucking end. I don't want to die and not know if I ever could have had a happy ending or anything like that. I sure as hell don't want that...I want to know and I think thats my problem. I'm in a rush to be tied down. I don't know why either. I mean love is some frustrating stuff. I've been in it before. I know of it. Relationships and all of that are to much trouble...But in the end I feel that its all worth it actually. I feel that all the struggling and fighting and all of that will be worth it because I won't be doing it alone. I'd be with someone. I'd be with someone I loved....To bad it doesn't ever go as planned huh? Ah well I'll just keep my options open I guess. See what develops and if love comes my way. Although I'm seriously on a "fuck relationships" mode right now...I still like them though. I want them. Even kinda sorta now. Its just they're so damn frustrating. And sitting here reading this is making me miss someone. :/
Good job brain.
You fucking suck.
With your over thinking and pessimism and other shit.
*Yawn* well its 1:34 been writing this thing for about 30 minutes....WHAT?!?!?! 30 minutes. Damn thats a long time. I have no life whatsoever.
I want sleep. I want love. I want some happy ass fairy tale ending that I know I'm not going to ever have because quite frankly I get fucked over royally.
Hrmm don't mean to come off as an emo bitch [[thats how I'm going to start describing my emotion spouts because well I don't know. I guess hearing that kinda hurt me.]] I'm petty. Take it how you want it.
G'night.
Stay up.
EDIT: Noticing a lot of spelling errors in these posts. Thats not good Marcus. Not good at all.
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