The month of November has been filled with absolutely nothing but D-R-A-M-A.
I figured I had abandoned all the drama in my life when I turned 21 and came to terms with the fact that the past was the past and I could do nothing to change it; therefore embrace what the where the world has left me today and the person I have become in this journey known simply as "life".
But that does not seem to be the case going into this month. I miss my days of innocence...When the world was so simple and I could find joy in just doing menial childish things. If I recall correctly when I was younger the adults would always tell us that life got easier as you got older. If I could remember who it was that told me these things I would surely punch them in the gut for being either incredibly naive or just a plain idiot.
Nonetheless I miss blogging.
I miss updating this thing but since I, like an idiot tied it to my gmail account and cannot unbind the damn thing by any means at all. Plus my youtube account had to be bound to my gmail account for my phone I often forget the password to this thing. Nonetheless I shall try to post more often here. And probably bitch a lot more...
Here's some pretty art for you to look at that ways its not just about me bitching.
I never finish anything I start nowadays.
Shame really.
Au revoir.
Or so I'm told.
Add another to that list of people I make feel insecure.
My girlfriend.
Clarissa.
Bringing the grand total to *Drum roll please*
4.
There you go.
Touche.
The world that made oh so much sense to me has once again fallen into the category of "unfair"
My father has fallen victim to a stroke. Happened monday, September 5 2011.
I got the call at 6:15 in the morning with my brother at a loss for words only simply saying, "Something is wrong with daddy..."
I arrived at Harris downtown promptly at 7 to find that my mother was completely in tears and speechless. Of course I did the only thing I could do for my mother; hug her.
He's been in the hospital since the 5th. His birthday was on the 1st.
He had just turned 48 and I had just talked to him to tell him happy birthday. He seemed so fine. Completely normal. He told me about his younger days and how women were always fighting over him. You wouldn't think it by looking at him now but my father used to be a handsome, strong man. Especially with that 18 inch afro he had going for him....
Its just crazy how the world is.
I literally was just talking to him the other day.
And now he doesn't even recognize his own sons...
He's sedated.
In an unstable condition. Unresponsive.
I don't want anything bad to happen to him. But I know this stroke has taken a lot from him already.
I can't even find the words to put into this stupid blog.
I'm completely stressed.
My life made so much sense not that long ago. And in an instant it makes no sense whatsoever.
Everything is falling apart. I'm barely holding on whilst fighting back tears.
I refuse to cry because I know if my father saw me like that he'd be like, "What are you crying for? You're a man save them for chick flicks." or something like that. I can't help but chuckle at the thought of him actually saying that.
How I'd love to hear him say that...
My thoughts are a scattered mess.
Stay up.
...the way the world works out sometimes.
here we go again.
Speaking of which I cannot for the LIFE OF ME remember my stupid password! Very frustrating indeed. Seems like I've been neglecting the blog for a bit. Because I have. I've been neglecting art as well.
Completely.
I've lost sight of myself. My ways. Where I'm going. Who I'm heading there with.
A lot has happened...
Some for better. Some for worst.
Stay up.
It appears me and all of my "dating" issues can be tied to one think; lack of security. :p who would've
thought something so simple would be the reason why I fail at relationships (heavy emphasis on the PHAIL part.)
Apparently I fail to make women feel secure. I'm the reason that all my past relationships have gone south because
I lack the natural ability to make women feel secure. If this is a thing of machoness then that's not being fair in my
justification. I'm a naturally skinny guy by default. My metabolism is set to "never gain weight and look like a 2010 Olsen twin"
Something I have no immediate control over. Therefore not feeling secure because mayhaps I'm waaaay skinny (too skinny if you ask me)
is just downright selfish and rather shallow if you ask me. I may be skinny but I guarantee I can put up a fight. At least enough
for someone to feel secure. I mean my dad spent years watching and imitating Bruce Lee films from his 19's to his 40's.
I'm sure I'm bound to have picked up some of his "kung fu hustle" somewhere in those genetics. :p Anyways I fail to make women
feel secure. This is the third time I've heard it. And recently. So it makes me wonder...Why is it that whomever I dated
feels so insecure around me? Is it because I'm tall? I like art? I'm rather kept to myself sometimes? Its none of those.
Its the simple fact that the one's accusing me of not feeling "secure" are the ones who have the security issues themselves. I'm not
saying that I'm perfect and all built to god's perfection (psh) in fact I'm the farthest thing. But if you don't feel secure around me
I think you're just intimidated by the fact that I am the way I am. Not very often you meet a white washed black person.
But its also not very often that you hear that you don't make someone feel secure either. :/ Unless you're me and out there in the dating world.
I think this is the key to why I'm single. Women don't feel secure around me and yet I have no idea how or what the fuck I'm doing wrong to make
them feel this way. I wish dating/understanding women had an easy button sometimes. It would just make my life easier at the end of the day.
But knowing my luck the damn button would be broken or be mislabeled or something along those lines.
I hate every single one of you.
Stay up.
I also can't remember the stupid fucking password or which email my blogger is attached too. :/ Go me.
STREP THROAT
which has/is taking me out of action for a while. :p I've only worked one day this week and with rent thats due at 325 this is going to be a bit of an issue. :/
I've been out of action for the past 8 days. In and out of hospitals and whatnot. Getting plenty of shots in my ass. One of which contained nothing but pure penicillin, which I am EXTREMELY allergic too. Which of course cause the strep to kick into overdrive.
Not to mention I haven't eaten a damn thing in the past 8 days. So I have lost a massive amount of weight. On top of already being skinny I'm even more skinnier (redundant sentence?) and just getting skinnier as the days go on...
According to the doctors 10 second analysis (which cost me a hefty $255 mind you) in a matter of 6-10 days after all my medicine is gone I should start feeling better.
Speaking of which doctors are possibly the biggest sham ever. If you look into my mouth say, "eww. Get better." and then get paid $255 thats highway robbery. Bullshit in my opinion.
I hate hospitals.
But that was April 1st. Checked into a hospital didn't check out until April 8th.
I'll be back once this "sickness" stops kicking my ass.
Stay up.
...Its going to be my downfall...
CLICK IT!
Stay up.
Take time.
But the end result is somewhat interesting.
Fist time drawing a child. So hopefully this will be a good learning experience.
Or severely frustrating.
I want to record myself drawing one time just to show the world my thought process.
Stay up.
And I got tired of working on it. :p
My laziness as an artist is going to be my downfall.
Stay up.
Never EVER invite the girl that you're taking out on dates (and wasting money on mind you) to a club.
She'll end up making out with "random guy A" that she met at another bar.
Then still expect a ride home.
Just my luck.
Stay up.
Its been a while since I've updated this thing.
A LOOOONNNNGGG TIME.
I'm in college now.
My life has gone to a confusing mess of pieces.
I'm 21.
I don't have much to show for it.
A few battle scars here and there. Not much else.
I would like to think that I was making the right decisions here and there as I was going along...but in reality. I'm just messing things up more than ever.
I've fought so hard on this road of mine. I'm worn out completely.
I've been beat up, bruised up, battered and trampled. I honestly see no reason for me to keep going. I can't keep going. My will is broken. My spirit has tasted defeat. My heart has tasted break.
When I was younger I used to strive for this "perfect romance" this false illusion I had cooked up in my head that I was supposed to met a girl, this girl was supposed to be "the one" and everything was supposed to be perfect. But in reality. I have yet to meet her. I'm beginning to think she doesn't exist. That I've created this false image in my head of this person who I'm destined to be with. So far I've only been led astray. Especially by how easily people can just walk out of my life without second guessing it. Like yet again I'm not of any importance.
That is the problem. I never get taken seriously. I'm not a serious guy but in some aspects of my life I would love to be taken with an ounce of seriousness. Treated like I actually matter and what I say isn't just misconstrued as me being "playful". But in reality I still get treated like a child.
I'm not an easy person to get along with. I know this first hand I've been putting up with my own shit for the past 12 or so years. Depression, loneliness, etc etc. I have flaws. I'm unsure, insecure and just confused about everything about myself. I'm trying to find who I am. And I figured that the journey would be easier if there was someone there along for the ride.
And that's the problem.
I thought.
My thoughts have always led me astray. They continue to do so to this very day.
Be it they focus on the negative in situations. That's why I believe my constant state of depression is of a medical condition or some psychological trauma that I'm in serious self denial about. I would like to take the latter option here. But again my thoughts and my heart lead me astray. Not just every once in a while. ALL THE TIME.
For the past 6 years they led me astray. Torn in two. Never sure about what they wanted. Or where they were going.
I'm 21.
I'm older than I was when I was younger.
I promised myself I would do away with the emotions that came with my younger years and would grow up a bit. Or at least attempt to make some form of progress on myself. Avoid wearing my heart on my sleeve to save for a broken heart later on in life, things of that nature. But so far its all been a complete failure.
This road I am on. I would like to hope that it has a happy ending somewhere on it. I would like to think that eventually things will settle in my mind and I won't be trapped by the fears or the past that seem to have a certain "sway" over me.
I would like to think that eventually it'll all make sense. Everything that I've been through. Everything that I'm going through will lead me to making becoming a better person.
But so far...
Stay up.
