A LOOOONNNNGGG TIME.
I'm in college now.
My life has gone to a confusing mess of pieces.
I'm 21.
I don't have much to show for it.
A few battle scars here and there. Not much else.
I would like to think that I was making the right decisions here and there as I was going along...but in reality. I'm just messing things up more than ever.
I've fought so hard on this road of mine. I'm worn out completely.
I've been beat up, bruised up, battered and trampled. I honestly see no reason for me to keep going. I can't keep going. My will is broken. My spirit has tasted defeat. My heart has tasted break.
When I was younger I used to strive for this "perfect romance" this false illusion I had cooked up in my head that I was supposed to met a girl, this girl was supposed to be "the one" and everything was supposed to be perfect. But in reality. I have yet to meet her. I'm beginning to think she doesn't exist. That I've created this false image in my head of this person who I'm destined to be with. So far I've only been led astray. Especially by how easily people can just walk out of my life without second guessing it. Like yet again I'm not of any importance.
That is the problem. I never get taken seriously. I'm not a serious guy but in some aspects of my life I would love to be taken with an ounce of seriousness. Treated like I actually matter and what I say isn't just misconstrued as me being "playful". But in reality I still get treated like a child.
I'm not an easy person to get along with. I know this first hand I've been putting up with my own shit for the past 12 or so years. Depression, loneliness, etc etc. I have flaws. I'm unsure, insecure and just confused about everything about myself. I'm trying to find who I am. And I figured that the journey would be easier if there was someone there along for the ride.
And that's the problem.
I thought.
My thoughts have always led me astray. They continue to do so to this very day.
Be it they focus on the negative in situations. That's why I believe my constant state of depression is of a medical condition or some psychological trauma that I'm in serious self denial about. I would like to take the latter option here. But again my thoughts and my heart lead me astray. Not just every once in a while. ALL THE TIME.
For the past 6 years they led me astray. Torn in two. Never sure about what they wanted. Or where they were going.
I'm 21.
I'm older than I was when I was younger.
I promised myself I would do away with the emotions that came with my younger years and would grow up a bit. Or at least attempt to make some form of progress on myself. Avoid wearing my heart on my sleeve to save for a broken heart later on in life, things of that nature. But so far its all been a complete failure.
This road I am on. I would like to hope that it has a happy ending somewhere on it. I would like to think that eventually things will settle in my mind and I won't be trapped by the fears or the past that seem to have a certain "sway" over me.
I would like to think that eventually it'll all make sense. Everything that I've been through. Everything that I'm going through will lead me to making becoming a better person.
But so far...
Stay up.
