4th times a charm...

Or so I'm told.

Add another to that list of people I make feel insecure.


My girlfriend.
Clarissa.



Bringing the grand total to *Drum roll please*
4.



There you go.


Touche.

And just like that...

The world that made oh so much sense to me has once again fallen into the category of "unfair"

My father has fallen victim to a stroke. Happened monday, September 5 2011.
I got the call at 6:15 in the morning with my brother at a loss for words only simply saying, "Something is wrong with daddy..."
I arrived at Harris downtown promptly at 7 to find that my mother was completely in tears and speechless. Of course I did the only thing I could do for my mother; hug her.

He's been in the hospital since the 5th. His birthday was on the 1st.
He had just turned 48 and I had just talked to him to tell him happy birthday. He seemed so fine. Completely normal. He told me about his younger days and how women were always fighting over him. You wouldn't think it by looking at him now but my father used to be a handsome, strong man. Especially with that 18 inch afro he had going for him....

Its just crazy how the world is.
I literally was just talking to him the other day.

And now he doesn't even recognize his own sons...

He's sedated.
In an unstable condition. Unresponsive.

I don't want anything bad to happen to him. But I know this stroke has taken a lot from him already.

I can't even find the words to put into this stupid blog.

I'm completely stressed.

My life made so much sense not that long ago. And in an instant it makes no sense whatsoever.

Everything is falling apart. I'm barely holding on whilst fighting back tears.
I refuse to cry because I know if my father saw me like that he'd be like, "What are you crying for? You're a man save them for chick flicks." or something like that. I can't help but chuckle at the thought of him actually saying that.

How I'd love to hear him say that...

My thoughts are a scattered mess.

Stay up.

It's kind of a funny story...

...the way the world works out sometimes.

here we go again.

Speaking of which I cannot for the LIFE OF ME remember my stupid password! Very frustrating indeed. Seems like I've been neglecting the blog for a bit. Because I have. I've been neglecting art as well.

Completely.

I've lost sight of myself. My ways. Where I'm going. Who I'm heading there with.

A lot has happened...
Some for better. Some for worst.

Stay up.

False sense of security...

It appears me and all of my "dating" issues can be tied to one think; lack of security. :p who would've
thought something so simple would be the reason why I fail at relationships (heavy emphasis on the PHAIL part.)

Apparently I fail to make women feel secure. I'm the reason that all my past relationships have gone south because
I lack the natural ability to make women feel secure. If this is a thing of machoness then that's not being fair in my
justification. I'm a naturally skinny guy by default. My metabolism is set to "never gain weight and look like a 2010 Olsen twin"
Something I have no immediate control over. Therefore not feeling secure because mayhaps I'm waaaay skinny (too skinny if you ask me)
is just downright selfish and rather shallow if you ask me. I may be skinny but I guarantee I can put up a fight. At least enough
for someone to feel secure. I mean my dad spent years watching and imitating Bruce Lee films from his 19's to his 40's.
I'm sure I'm bound to have picked up some of his "kung fu hustle" somewhere in those genetics. :p Anyways I fail to make women
feel secure. This is the third time I've heard it. And recently. So it makes me wonder...Why is it that whomever I dated
feels so insecure around me? Is it because I'm tall? I like art? I'm rather kept to myself sometimes? Its none of those.
Its the simple fact that the one's accusing me of not feeling "secure" are the ones who have the security issues themselves. I'm not
saying that I'm perfect and all built to god's perfection (psh) in fact I'm the farthest thing. But if you don't feel secure around me
I think you're just intimidated by the fact that I am the way I am. Not very often you meet a white washed black person.
But its also not very often that you hear that you don't make someone feel secure either. :/ Unless you're me and out there in the dating world.
I think this is the key to why I'm single. Women don't feel secure around me and yet I have no idea how or what the fuck I'm doing wrong to make
them feel this way. I wish dating/understanding women had an easy button sometimes. It would just make my life easier at the end of the day.
But knowing my luck the damn button would be broken or be mislabeled or something along those lines.

I hate every single one of you.

Stay up.

I also can't remember the stupid fucking password or which email my blogger is attached too. :/ Go me.

I have....

STREP THROAT

which has/is taking me out of action for a while. :p I've only worked one day this week and with rent thats due at 325 this is going to be a bit of an issue. :/

I've been out of action for the past 8 days. In and out of hospitals and whatnot. Getting plenty of shots in my ass. One of which contained nothing but pure penicillin, which I am EXTREMELY allergic too. Which of course cause the strep to kick into overdrive.

Not to mention I haven't eaten a damn thing in the past 8 days. So I have lost a massive amount of weight. On top of already being skinny I'm even more skinnier (redundant sentence?) and just getting skinnier as the days go on...

According to the doctors 10 second analysis (which cost me a hefty $255 mind you) in a matter of 6-10 days after all my medicine is gone I should start feeling better.

Speaking of which doctors are possibly the biggest sham ever. If you look into my mouth say, "eww. Get better." and then get paid $255 thats highway robbery. Bullshit in my opinion.

I hate hospitals.

But that was April 1st. Checked into a hospital didn't check out until April 8th.
I'll be back once this "sickness" stops kicking my ass.

Stay up.

LAZY!

...Its going to be my downfall...
CLICK IT!

Stay up.

These things....

Take time.
But the end result is somewhat interesting.
Fist time drawing a child. So hopefully this will be a good learning experience.

Or severely frustrating.
I want to record myself drawing one time just to show the world my thought process.

Stay up.