The road not traveled....

Its been a while since I've updated this thing.

A LOOOONNNNGGG TIME.

I'm in college now.
My life has gone to a confusing mess of pieces.
I'm 21.
I don't have much to show for it.
A few battle scars here and there. Not much else.

I would like to think that I was making the right decisions here and there as I was going along...but in reality. I'm just messing things up more than ever.

I've fought so hard on this road of mine. I'm worn out completely.
I've been beat up, bruised up, battered and trampled. I honestly see no reason for me to keep going. I can't keep going. My will is broken. My spirit has tasted defeat. My heart has tasted break.

When I was younger I used to strive for this "perfect romance" this false illusion I had cooked up in my head that I was supposed to met a girl, this girl was supposed to be "the one" and everything was supposed to be perfect. But in reality. I have yet to meet her. I'm beginning to think she doesn't exist. That I've created this false image in my head of this person who I'm destined to be with. So far I've only been led astray. Especially by how easily people can just walk out of my life without second guessing it. Like yet again I'm not of any importance.

That is the problem. I never get taken seriously. I'm not a serious guy but in some aspects of my life I would love to be taken with an ounce of seriousness. Treated like I actually matter and what I say isn't just misconstrued as me being "playful". But in reality I still get treated like a child.

I'm not an easy person to get along with. I know this first hand I've been putting up with my own shit for the past 12 or so years. Depression, loneliness, etc etc. I have flaws. I'm unsure, insecure and just confused about everything about myself. I'm trying to find who I am. And I figured that the journey would be easier if there was someone there along for the ride.

And that's the problem.
I thought.

My thoughts have always led me astray. They continue to do so to this very day.
Be it they focus on the negative in situations. That's why I believe my constant state of depression is of a medical condition or some psychological trauma that I'm in serious self denial about. I would like to take the latter option here. But again my thoughts and my heart lead me astray. Not just every once in a while. ALL THE TIME.

For the past 6 years they led me astray. Torn in two. Never sure about what they wanted. Or where they were going.

I'm 21.
I'm older than I was when I was younger.
I promised myself I would do away with the emotions that came with my younger years and would grow up a bit. Or at least attempt to make some form of progress on myself. Avoid wearing my heart on my sleeve to save for a broken heart later on in life, things of that nature. But so far its all been a complete failure.

This road I am on. I would like to hope that it has a happy ending somewhere on it. I would like to think that eventually things will settle in my mind and I won't be trapped by the fears or the past that seem to have a certain "sway" over me.

I would like to think that eventually it'll all make sense. Everything that I've been through. Everything that I'm going through will lead me to making becoming a better person.

But so far...

Stay up.

I...

Never finish anything. :p





I need to finish more things. Also work on my composition among other things. My mind is racing like a million miles an hour on shit I need to "finish" artistic wise. College is coming up and hopefully my transfer to University. I feel like I'm still in a "cartoony" age even with my portraits. :/ Not bueno.

Stay up.

I don't know...

Why I usually wait for like one whole month to update this blog. :p I'm starting to fall out of the "internet social circle" anyways. Blah. I hope to update soon but I haven't done much of anything as of late. I haven't drawn anything since the last time. I've attempted to paint some portraits but thats ended terribly. :/ Nonetheless the band I play drums for (Which has the dumbest name EVER) is actually doing quite well. We're supposed to play at some club. 1919 or something like that. And that could possibly lead to us getting to go on tour! Oh my. BUT! Like I've been saying we need to write our own songs as I'm tired of Incubus covers and if I have to play HEY YA! one more time I swear I'm going to kick in my drums and never look back.

I'm just ranting though. My mind longs for a relationship. I haven't had a meaningful one of those in a while (two years coming up on three). :/ lets see what college brings.

Nonetheless so we're set to play this gig, we've gotten more studio offers. HOPEFULLY we take them. I seriously want to get into a studio. But I don't know.

I need to focus on more obtainable goals ie ART. My love, my passion, my desire, etc etc.

I guess thats it. I'll update this more often hopefully.

Stay up.

I suck...

As an artist.


The end.

Stay up.

Nyan-Nyan

Like that one Yu-Gi-Oh card I liked for some reason...



I really need to learn how to draw backgrounds. :p
I wonder how Reiq does it?

Stay up.

WIP

I've been neglecting my tablet (and art) a lot as of lately. I'm very divided in my time. :P I need to focus if I'm serious about College. Which I am.

I've been widdling away at this for a while now. I'm actually getting sick of looking at it but I need to finish something so Blah.

UPDATE!!!

Time for an update.

A lot has happened recently so lets try to tackle these in some kind of order.

COLLEGE: I DO still plan to go. Its just not this year. Like I'm going to take my basics at TCC this year (that ways I can weasel out of having to take SATS and then I can just work on my portfolio easier. So yes, college is still a plan for me. I did get lazy and stop working on my portfolio since my last post. Hell I haven't drawn anything since then either come to think of it...

RELATIONSHIPS: As far as I know I'm still single. And still searching. But a relationship isn't really at the top of my priority list at the moment.


MUSIC: This is my current project. So Saturday night/Sunday morning (10:30pm - 3:00am) I was in the middle of downtown (not really the middle of downtown but on the corner of Houston and 3rd) Playing as a temporary drummer in a band. On top of making a nice amounts of money. We got offered 1000 dollars to play at a club in Denton. But before that we got this offer from this guy dubbed "Hollywood" to record a demo. He liked our music playing enough that he was in fact serious (I thought the guy was bullshitting us but he called yesterday) and apparently we're set to get some studio time! But I don't know it seems like we're on the road to stardom to fast and easy. I mean shit really? Record deal anyone? Anyways so we exchanged info and Sunday I get a text from the lead guitarist telling me that "Hollywood" called him and said he wants us to record. Go figure. Then two chicks come by and they're all like hey we're from artsfifthavenue.com and we want you guys to play for us. I'm like whoa thats two offers!!! She was asking me about teaching drumming to youth but I'm not one for teaching. As I'm no Chad Smith myself. Nonetheless so she gives us her card and we get her offer. THEN the big 1g offer. So it all started with these black guys walking down the street and us playing a cover of Talk Show on Mute by Incubus. And they're like, "Hey kick us a beat" so all of a sudden me and Rudy (Lead guitarist) are playing them this beat and they kick like this 10 minute long freestyle battle. It was amazing yet scary at the same time. Never before had I seen so many black people gather around. I figured the cops would shut us down. But nope they didn't. I really wish I had recorded it. So anyways they're freestyling like there's no tomorrow. And after they finish the guys like hey how much would it cost to get you guys to come and play for our spot in Denton. And so Alfonso (Lead Guitarist/Vocals) is like "Like 1000" not being serious. But the guy took it serious and was like, "Like 1000 or 1000?" so this epic conversation ensues about how much we're going to get paid and the guys like "cool cool" BAM 1000 easily. Just for kicking a simple rock beat that I learned when I first started to play the drums. And thats when our band name was decided. Tree by the Street.

Nonetheless this weekend was amazing. I actually can't wait to go back and do it again next weekend to see what kind of bank we roll in and what other offers come in. As far as I know though we're set to record sometime soon and maybe actually get a track done. I seriously need new cymbals and drum heads before then though...

ISSUES: Speeding ticket. 96 on a 60. Cop only got me because I thought he was an ambulance. :p that tickets going to be expensive but I'm going to pay a traffic lawyer to take care of it for me. I'm going to be flat broke after that though. :/

I guess thats it. I should really draw more often. I'm going to start drawing more often actually. I miss it. I'm sure it misses me.

Anyways its 5am so I should probably be trying to get some sleep or something like that?

Stay up.